The successful woman
Feminism is the belief that men and women should have equal rights. It is literally that simple. A person doesn’t have to burn their bra, grow out their body hair or ‘hate men’ to be a feminist, and whoever told you that has a lot to answer for. Despite significant improvements in the lives of women (in the Western world) over the last 50 years, there still remains a gap between the ideal and the reality of what it means to exist as a woman in society. I don’t plan on getting into every aspect of feminism in one post - to try to do so would be extremely naive - so consider this the first of many discussions around a very meaningful and worthwhile topic.
Today I want to get into what it means to be a successful woman. Chats with other women my age and older, as well as reading feminist literature over the last year in particular, have really helped refine my understanding of how success in life is portrayed to women. So basically there is a narrative in society that is sold to girls from a young age that when we grow up, we want to get married, have a nice house and fill it with children of our own. Sound familiar? Of course it does. The 8-year-old girls who voiced dreams of being head of state, or creating a life-changing invention or representing their country in a sporting capacity were few and far between. Which is a shame. Because it seems that, for women, the pinnacle of success is tantamount to getting engaged, marrying, or giving birth. This is the case because these are - generally - the only times we actually celebrate women. A single, child-free woman might have just secured a place on a Masters or Doctoral programme, single-handedly bought her first home, or decided to undertake big solo-travel plans (all of which have been done by women I know in recent years) - but the party-organising committee in the office will not think to throw a little something to honour these achievements. I'm not saying we cannot congratulate our friends on engagements and pregnancies, I’m just saying not to limit your applause to these accomplishments alone. A woman’s relationship status does not define her whatsoever.
As a woman who has been single throughout my 20s - quite happily for the most part - I have become far more aware of how society treats us and our singledom, and a few tête-à-têtes with other unattached friends echo my own observations. Often we are met with pity, and told ‘not to worry’, that someday we’ll ‘find someone’, as if the lives we live are meaningless and we are not enough on our own. Other unwittingly obnoxious things people do include unsolicited match-making (“I have to set you up with my other single friend!”), wondering aloud how “someone as (insert positive quality here) as you could be single!” or being told we’re 'too picky', as though settling for someone who doesn’t meet my standards is meant to be a win. But it is completely understandable that single women would be met as such: according to the status quo, where woman is wife and homemaker, we - the unattached - are failing.
I can sense some of you rolling your eyes at my tone and my words as if I am mixing up the 21st century woman with the Biblical woman. I will admit that these messages are transmitted in a covert as opposed to an overt manner. And this is where the word ‘microaggression’ comes in. Microaggressions are subtle statements and behaviours that unintentionally discriminate against marginalised or minority groups. All of the actions mentioned in the above paragraph are examples of microaggressions, and by bringing a little bit more awareness to how we speak to women in our lives, we might notice when we say them, maybe ask ourselves why that is, and hopefully perhaps say them less.
And while we’re talking about how we should speak to other girls and women, take note of how often you compliment a woman on her appearance. Combine this with the influence of beauty-saturated media aimed at women. The prevalence of diet culture, endless ads for beauty products, and the way women are lauded for substantial weight loss (regardless of the reasons or causes behind it) proceed to set out other ‘acceptable’ yet entirely superficial indicators of success for women. Hey, worry less about securing that promotion or whether to pursue a new skill or further study, and thread those hairy mollies you call eyebrows dammit! Look, I’m not implying that those who get nail extensions or value their skincare routine are not feminists, but being hot is a state of mind, so celebrate women for more than what they look like. Their appearances are the least interesting thing about them.
I am aware how crazy this all must sound, especially if you’ve never sat and thought about any of it. But think about it we must, if we are to make feminism - equality between the genders - a reality. As a schoolteacher I am hyper-aware of how I speak to the girls in my classroom, how I speak about women in general, and how my words and actions contribute to their understanding of what it means to live contented and successful lives as girls and women. When the only available narrative for females is the family, the husband and the picket fence, it can be very difficult to consider other things in life a success, or to even accept wanting something different for yourself - take it from someone who is currently at pains to work through this. My own deprogramming has been spurred on by Florence Given’s eye-opening book Women Don’t Owe You Pretty, a compilation of insightful quotes and essays from young women titled I Call Myself A Feminist, and of course inspiring discussions with others also challenging these widely-accepted norms. We can all do our part. Ask your female friends less about their love lives (unless they bring it up) and enquire more as to personal and professional projects they may be working on. Compliment them less on their hair and clothes and more on how smart, driven, or funny they are. We all experience fulfilment in different ways, and that is what makes each and every one of us the unique queens that we are.
Today I want to get into what it means to be a successful woman. Chats with other women my age and older, as well as reading feminist literature over the last year in particular, have really helped refine my understanding of how success in life is portrayed to women. So basically there is a narrative in society that is sold to girls from a young age that when we grow up, we want to get married, have a nice house and fill it with children of our own. Sound familiar? Of course it does. The 8-year-old girls who voiced dreams of being head of state, or creating a life-changing invention or representing their country in a sporting capacity were few and far between. Which is a shame. Because it seems that, for women, the pinnacle of success is tantamount to getting engaged, marrying, or giving birth. This is the case because these are - generally - the only times we actually celebrate women. A single, child-free woman might have just secured a place on a Masters or Doctoral programme, single-handedly bought her first home, or decided to undertake big solo-travel plans (all of which have been done by women I know in recent years) - but the party-organising committee in the office will not think to throw a little something to honour these achievements. I'm not saying we cannot congratulate our friends on engagements and pregnancies, I’m just saying not to limit your applause to these accomplishments alone. A woman’s relationship status does not define her whatsoever.
As a woman who has been single throughout my 20s - quite happily for the most part - I have become far more aware of how society treats us and our singledom, and a few tête-à-têtes with other unattached friends echo my own observations. Often we are met with pity, and told ‘not to worry’, that someday we’ll ‘find someone’, as if the lives we live are meaningless and we are not enough on our own. Other unwittingly obnoxious things people do include unsolicited match-making (“I have to set you up with my other single friend!”), wondering aloud how “someone as (insert positive quality here) as you could be single!” or being told we’re 'too picky', as though settling for someone who doesn’t meet my standards is meant to be a win. But it is completely understandable that single women would be met as such: according to the status quo, where woman is wife and homemaker, we - the unattached - are failing.
I can sense some of you rolling your eyes at my tone and my words as if I am mixing up the 21st century woman with the Biblical woman. I will admit that these messages are transmitted in a covert as opposed to an overt manner. And this is where the word ‘microaggression’ comes in. Microaggressions are subtle statements and behaviours that unintentionally discriminate against marginalised or minority groups. All of the actions mentioned in the above paragraph are examples of microaggressions, and by bringing a little bit more awareness to how we speak to women in our lives, we might notice when we say them, maybe ask ourselves why that is, and hopefully perhaps say them less.
And while we’re talking about how we should speak to other girls and women, take note of how often you compliment a woman on her appearance. Combine this with the influence of beauty-saturated media aimed at women. The prevalence of diet culture, endless ads for beauty products, and the way women are lauded for substantial weight loss (regardless of the reasons or causes behind it) proceed to set out other ‘acceptable’ yet entirely superficial indicators of success for women. Hey, worry less about securing that promotion or whether to pursue a new skill or further study, and thread those hairy mollies you call eyebrows dammit! Look, I’m not implying that those who get nail extensions or value their skincare routine are not feminists, but being hot is a state of mind, so celebrate women for more than what they look like. Their appearances are the least interesting thing about them.
I am aware how crazy this all must sound, especially if you’ve never sat and thought about any of it. But think about it we must, if we are to make feminism - equality between the genders - a reality. As a schoolteacher I am hyper-aware of how I speak to the girls in my classroom, how I speak about women in general, and how my words and actions contribute to their understanding of what it means to live contented and successful lives as girls and women. When the only available narrative for females is the family, the husband and the picket fence, it can be very difficult to consider other things in life a success, or to even accept wanting something different for yourself - take it from someone who is currently at pains to work through this. My own deprogramming has been spurred on by Florence Given’s eye-opening book Women Don’t Owe You Pretty, a compilation of insightful quotes and essays from young women titled I Call Myself A Feminist, and of course inspiring discussions with others also challenging these widely-accepted norms. We can all do our part. Ask your female friends less about their love lives (unless they bring it up) and enquire more as to personal and professional projects they may be working on. Compliment them less on their hair and clothes and more on how smart, driven, or funny they are. We all experience fulfilment in different ways, and that is what makes each and every one of us the unique queens that we are.
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