Ghosting: not just for Halloween
Judging by the title of this blog post, you may be forgiven for thinking that I have lost all concept of time in this lockdown and that a Halloween-related essay is about to unfold before your eyes. But sadly, readers, the reality is that ghosting is an all-year-round occurrence, and is something that has particularly piqued my interest as I meander down the road of self-discovery. As spooky and unexplainable a phenomenon as the Loch Ness Monster and UFOs? Or just an escape tactic we grasp for when we feel like our backs are to the wall? Let’s explore.
A definition of ghosting is as follows: “abruptly cutting off contact with someone without giving that person any warning or explanation for doing so” (Gould, 2020). While the term is associated nowadays with the cessation of online or over-the-phone communication, the actuality of up and disappearing out of a relationship like a fart in the wind has always happened - I refer you to cinematic and real-life stories of husbands or wives who “head out for cigarettes” and never return. But it doesn’t have to be your spouse, or your long-term partner - we are talking about people we meet on dating apps and see casually or semi-casually too. Why do people feel the need to turn their back permanently on their significant other? Why do they feel they cannot have a conversation with them? These questions, as well as many others, are ones I hope to address in this blog post as someone who truly believes there are other, more humane ways of ending things.
Full disclosure right out the gate: I have ghosted before. It was a guy I met on a dating app, chatted to very briefly, met for a dinner date, and decided in the end wasn’t my type. I was 23 years old and not HALF as self-aware as I am now. He texted the day after the date, all happy and upbeat, and I just couldn’t bring myself to say how I truly felt: ‘look, man, I’m just not feeling it, sorry’. So I never replied. Thinking back almost 4 years later, and speaking as someone who has since been ghosted herself, would it really have been that hard to just be honest? It’s totally normal to experience a change of heart. We’ve all been there, certainly, but a change of heart on its own is no excuse for ghosting: coming clean with the other person about this change is required, no matter how long or how informal the relationship has been. Like, sometimes, you just don’t fancy the person anymore, and that’s grand! Say it! In a nice way obvs! They’re not going to combust! They’ll live! You are not a unique piece of shit that the world revolves around! The person on the receiving end of the convo has gone through far more devastating things than hearing that you don’t fancy them!
But what’s holding us back from just being truthful? Fear, without a doubt. Fear of confrontation. Fear of retaliation. Fear of fallout (spoiler alert: ghosting leads to fallout anyway but without any of the closure, so this reason doesn’t stand). Fear that being honest with someone they are meant to care about will hurt them, but thinking that leaving them in the dark will hurt less? Ah but no, you see, ghosting will hurt the ghost less, so it seems there’s some merit in it after all. Ghosts are scared to be vulnerable, to admit their feelings have changed, to admit they have feelings at all, in fact.
Laziness is another contributing factor. Think of the time and effort it would take to have a conversation vs. simply saying nothing at all (and no, Ronan Keating, babe, they did NOT say it best when they left me on ‘read’ forever after 2 months of proper dating, I don’t care what your 90s pop hit says). You can be guaranteed this apathy extends to other areas of the ghost’s life, not just their relationships, but alas that is not something the rest of us can control, so on we march.
For the person who has been ghosted, a maelstrom of shit ensues. You are left with absolutely no closure, just your own thoughts and conclusions, none of which could be the true reason for the ghost’s having second thoughts. Being left without a conclusion can make moving on very difficult too, because you don’t know if what led to the change of heart is something within your control, ergo something you can decide to work on, or not. Ghosting treats the relationship you had, be it super-casual to something more intense and emotional, as if it meant nothing at all. Feelings of abandonment crop up too - this person didn’t think you worthy enough to have a conversation, and that hurts. They made a decision to treat you as if you have no dignity. ‘You don’t even deserve an explanation, imma just leave ya hanging til you realise I’m not coming back’. Written down like this the actual cruelty of it is stark.
For anyone who has been on the receiving end of ghosting, you need not be haunted forever. Remind yourself of the following:
Y’see, the funny thing about ghosts, in the supernatural, Halloween-y sense, is the lack of realness about them, the lack of humanity. The same goes for the people that ghost. Life is about facing challenges head-on and giving it our all. We grow from trials and tribulations, though we may not realise it at the time. As someone who has been on both sides of the ghosting experience, I realise now that, though it is difficult at the time, being straight-up with the other person about how I feel, instead of running away like a coward, is always, ALWAYS the better call for us both. Until serial ghosters come to that conclusion, however, they, much like the spectral demons after which they are named, will continue to live life on the fringes, too afraid to get their hands dirty, too afraid to be real, both with themselves and with those around them. They may have built a wall of silence between you and them, but nothing can prepare them for the thoughts that will creep in when they are surrounded by silence themselves. That’s why it’s called ghosting. Because ghosts aren’t real.
References
Gould, W. R. (2020, September 14). What Is Ghosting? Verywellmind.Com. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-ghosting-5071864#:~:text=Ghosting%20is%20a%20relatively%20new,they’re%20met%20with%20silence.
A definition of ghosting is as follows: “abruptly cutting off contact with someone without giving that person any warning or explanation for doing so” (Gould, 2020). While the term is associated nowadays with the cessation of online or over-the-phone communication, the actuality of up and disappearing out of a relationship like a fart in the wind has always happened - I refer you to cinematic and real-life stories of husbands or wives who “head out for cigarettes” and never return. But it doesn’t have to be your spouse, or your long-term partner - we are talking about people we meet on dating apps and see casually or semi-casually too. Why do people feel the need to turn their back permanently on their significant other? Why do they feel they cannot have a conversation with them? These questions, as well as many others, are ones I hope to address in this blog post as someone who truly believes there are other, more humane ways of ending things.
Ghosting is leading to bad marketing for our boy, Casper, who would never hurt us, of course.
Full disclosure right out the gate: I have ghosted before. It was a guy I met on a dating app, chatted to very briefly, met for a dinner date, and decided in the end wasn’t my type. I was 23 years old and not HALF as self-aware as I am now. He texted the day after the date, all happy and upbeat, and I just couldn’t bring myself to say how I truly felt: ‘look, man, I’m just not feeling it, sorry’. So I never replied. Thinking back almost 4 years later, and speaking as someone who has since been ghosted herself, would it really have been that hard to just be honest? It’s totally normal to experience a change of heart. We’ve all been there, certainly, but a change of heart on its own is no excuse for ghosting: coming clean with the other person about this change is required, no matter how long or how informal the relationship has been. Like, sometimes, you just don’t fancy the person anymore, and that’s grand! Say it! In a nice way obvs! They’re not going to combust! They’ll live! You are not a unique piece of shit that the world revolves around! The person on the receiving end of the convo has gone through far more devastating things than hearing that you don’t fancy them!
But what’s holding us back from just being truthful? Fear, without a doubt. Fear of confrontation. Fear of retaliation. Fear of fallout (spoiler alert: ghosting leads to fallout anyway but without any of the closure, so this reason doesn’t stand). Fear that being honest with someone they are meant to care about will hurt them, but thinking that leaving them in the dark will hurt less? Ah but no, you see, ghosting will hurt the ghost less, so it seems there’s some merit in it after all. Ghosts are scared to be vulnerable, to admit their feelings have changed, to admit they have feelings at all, in fact.
Laziness is another contributing factor. Think of the time and effort it would take to have a conversation vs. simply saying nothing at all (and no, Ronan Keating, babe, they did NOT say it best when they left me on ‘read’ forever after 2 months of proper dating, I don’t care what your 90s pop hit says). You can be guaranteed this apathy extends to other areas of the ghost’s life, not just their relationships, but alas that is not something the rest of us can control, so on we march.
For the person who has been ghosted, a maelstrom of shit ensues. You are left with absolutely no closure, just your own thoughts and conclusions, none of which could be the true reason for the ghost’s having second thoughts. Being left without a conclusion can make moving on very difficult too, because you don’t know if what led to the change of heart is something within your control, ergo something you can decide to work on, or not. Ghosting treats the relationship you had, be it super-casual to something more intense and emotional, as if it meant nothing at all. Feelings of abandonment crop up too - this person didn’t think you worthy enough to have a conversation, and that hurts. They made a decision to treat you as if you have no dignity. ‘You don’t even deserve an explanation, imma just leave ya hanging til you realise I’m not coming back’. Written down like this the actual cruelty of it is stark.
For anyone who has been on the receiving end of ghosting, you need not be haunted forever. Remind yourself of the following:
- The fact that this person couldn’t treat you with dignity and integrity is very much a them-problem. They couldn’t face you, and that is something they will have to live with, not you.
- None of it was a waste. There is something to be learned in every experience and interaction we have, even if all it is is “wow that person was a prick”
- Realise that this person’s treatment of you is in no way a reflection of you. It does not say anything definitive about your character nor does it diminish your value as a human being. Grieve in whatever way you want, engage in acts of self-care, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and muster all the strength you can to go out there and try again.
Y’see, the funny thing about ghosts, in the supernatural, Halloween-y sense, is the lack of realness about them, the lack of humanity. The same goes for the people that ghost. Life is about facing challenges head-on and giving it our all. We grow from trials and tribulations, though we may not realise it at the time. As someone who has been on both sides of the ghosting experience, I realise now that, though it is difficult at the time, being straight-up with the other person about how I feel, instead of running away like a coward, is always, ALWAYS the better call for us both. Until serial ghosters come to that conclusion, however, they, much like the spectral demons after which they are named, will continue to live life on the fringes, too afraid to get their hands dirty, too afraid to be real, both with themselves and with those around them. They may have built a wall of silence between you and them, but nothing can prepare them for the thoughts that will creep in when they are surrounded by silence themselves. That’s why it’s called ghosting. Because ghosts aren’t real.
References
Gould, W. R. (2020, September 14). What Is Ghosting? Verywellmind.Com. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-ghosting-5071864#:~:text=Ghosting%20is%20a%20relatively%20new,they’re%20met%20with%20silence.
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