Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right

Making a conscious decision to work on yourself and to commit to personal growth is an epiphany. It feels like you’ve been born again. It feels like a veil has been lifted and you can finally see clearly. And, unfortunately, one of the first things you see is just how unevolved and ignorant other people are, and how poorly they are handling life, whether they are aware of it or not. I realise how snobby and callous that sounds, but I mean it purely in a humorous sense and not disparagingly. Those of us who have chosen to be more proactive in how we live are by no means experts, nor are we even necessarily happier. But it is annoying to be a reflective person amid those who live more passively, and at times it can actually be quite disheartening too.

I heard an opinion somewhere along the line (can’t remember where) that people go to therapy to deal with people in their lives who won’t go to therapy. Now, whether therapy is part of your self-help journey or not, the principle still stands: the behaviour of others, while maybe not the sole source of despair in our lives, certainly can contribute to our stress, our anxiety, our depression, our feelings of inferiority, and these others are none the wiser. Electing to focus on your own growth is about turning the lens inward, noting our feelings towards various aspects of our lives, probing as to why we feel this way or where these emotions originate, how to manage negativity, etc. Regardless of how old we are, what our profession is, our marital status, whether or not we have children, we should all be capable of reflecting on our thoughts and actions and striving to be the best versions of ourselves. But such a path is difficult, and effortful, and requires patience, and not everyone is willing to put in the work, myself included. There are days when the thoughts of sitting down for meditation fills me with dread, days I have to force myself to read what I know deep down is a beneficial article or chapter, days I lash out or mentally torture myself or waste countless hours scrolling my phone. M. Scott Peck maintains in The Road Less Travelled that to deal with life’s problems we must have discipline, which can take the form of delaying gratification, accepting responsibility, and dedicating ourselves to the truth. This last one I like the most as it requires self-examination, first and foremost. 

Similarly, in his book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Branden speaks of living consciously as a way of raising one’s self-esteem, which is defined as a confidence in one’s ability or one’s worth. Part of living consciously means attending to reality and showing a respect for the truth. Choosing not to acknowledge something that is real does not make it any less real (Donald Trump’s cries of “fake news!” and “voting fraud!” are echoing in my mind as I type this). You and I have both crossed paths with people in our lives who bury their heads in the sand when it comes to facing up to hard truths. These people have an urgent need to be right. They find it humiliating to admit their mistakes, because to do so would require being vulnerable. They hold others to moral standards to which they themselves do not live up. Looking back now from a more educated standpoint, I would wager that the people of whom I am speaking have never engaged in more than 30 seconds of self-reflection in their entire lives.

I am a perceptive, analytical person. I read people. Having studied psychology, I feel I am more privy to the workings of the mind than the lay person. This means that sometimes I see - what I believe, anyway - is the real cause of someone else’s shitty behaviour, but MY realising that is never going to change the situation. That person must come to those conclusions and work through their issues off their own bat. There are times I obsess over how people have acted towards me, trying to explain it or get to the root of why they behave this way. I worry about something happening in someone else’s subconscious. That someone, meanwhile, is blissfully ignorant of it all. This, for me, has been the most difficult part of the self-growth process so far - that I am so bogged down by trying to be the best person I can be and behaving rationally and justly that it kills me when others around me don’t even stop for a moment to think how they could do the same.

Part of dealing with these feelings of irritation towards people not in the self-help loop is coming to the realisation that we as individuals all have different values and principles. Everyone else’s values need not be identical to mine, and sometimes that is a bitter pill to swallow, because of course I believe mine are the best. I noticed I was having these thoughts in the last few months when talking with some friends my own age, who don’t read at all, who don’t like exercising or meditating, who don’t nurture a creative talent like music, writing, knitting, whatever. My initial reaction (internally, obviously) was to scoff and think “girl, how are you getting through the day without these practices”. But the things I mention above are all things I enjoy and in which I engage to de-stress (bar the knitting though, the amount of stitches I’d be dropping all over the gaff would pump those cortisol levels right back up). Just because someone else doesn’t help themselves the way I would does not mean they aren’t content. I alluded to this phenomenon in my blog post about control - realising I don’t have control over how other people live their lives, and learning to accept that. It’s difficult, but I’m getting there.

The main thing is not to lose hope. After all, your personal growth journey is for you, not for anyone else. I saw an Instagram story around Christmas time that spoke not of giving to receive, but giving to inspire others to give, and I think the same philosophy can be applied here. We cannot lecture others on how to live - that is not how true change happens. I have reached this point in my life by being inspired by conversations with people whose values I admire and wish to emulate, who have talked TO me and not AT me. I have seen either in person or online how these people behave, as well as the repercussions of that behaviour. I have listened to mind-opening podcasts, read inspirational books and articles, gleaned whatever nuggets of wisdom I could from them, and reasoned myself towards the position I am in now, and I hope some part of my life or how I live it can provide another person with a template for theirs. Be a good example, basically. If you want others to get the hint, SHOW, don’t tell.